Depression in romantic relationships: You, me and the illness
Depression can be a huge challenge for a relationship. Loved ones of someone with depression often feel helpless. But there is actually a lot they
Depression can be a huge challenge for a relationship. Loved ones of someone with depression often feel helpless. But there is actually a lot they can do ― and a lot they shouldn't. Six years ago, Stefan's relationship underwent a fundamental change. Back then, when the COVID-19 pandemic began, Stefan's wife, Jessica, had a breakdown and has been struggling with depression ever since. For privacy reasons, the couple has asked to be referred to by pseudonyms. Jessica was placed on sick leave and was unable to work for three years. She spent months in hospitals, underwent outpatient therapy and tried various medications. "After about three years, we came to the conclusion that things wouldn't be the same as before," said Stefan, a 44-year-old software developer. "That carefree, relaxed togetherness is no longer there." Early warning signs of depression: Feeling overwhelmed, withdrawal Stefan said it started with Jessica becoming increasingly afraid of people and developing social anxiety. She even withdrew from her circle of close friends. Grocery shopping became difficult; making calls to doctors or taking care of bureaucratic errands was impossible. Jessica also felt overwhelmed by Stefan. Mundane thoughts he used to share with her — for example, about things he had read or seen — were now too much to take in. Depression is hard for those who suffer from it. But loved ones suffer, too. In a romantic relationship, things shift. "There were times when I didn't have a wife, but one more child," said Stefan. The less Jessica could do on her own, the more he took over for her. High-functioning depression: The hidden trap To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video Setting boundaries for your own mental health Birgit Esch helps family members of people with depression. For many years, she worked as a nurse with people suffering from mental illness.
One thing she noticed: Only when family members are involved can those affected truly recover. Today, she is a systemic family therapist at a mental health clinic in Bonn, Germany, and a point of contact for people like Stefan. She offers courses in which family members spend three evenings learning about depression ― and about how their own feelings and experiences matter, too. "Most family members go through hell for about four weeks before the person affected is admitted to the hospital," Esch told DW. At this stage, family members have often tried everything, are running themselves ragged, and are tense, anxious and full of worry about their loved one. "'How are you actually doing?' This question is asked of [family members] far too rarely," said Esch. It is enormously important that family members learn to take good care of themselves and set boundaries, Esch emphasized, so that they themselves stay healthy. Only then can they be a real help to their sick loved one. 'No help without a request' When family members take on more and more daily tasks without being asked, it reinforces the passivity of the person with depression, which in turn feeds the depression, explained Esch. That self-sacrifice made by family members also intensifies feelings of guilt and shame for the person with depression. Stefan had to learn this the hard way. The more household chores he took over for his wife, and the more often he made calls for her, the more she felt like she was being a burden. "It would be better for you if I weren't here anymore," Jessica told him one day. Esch likes to say: "No help without a request." This preserves the depressed person's sense of self-efficacy, and, crucially, gives family members the chance to say "no" and prevent their own burnout. "Setting boundaries doesn't mean I’m rejecting the person, but that I'm only allowing the depression a certain amount of space," said Esch.
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