What would Jesus drink? Welcome to the age of Christian energy beverages

By now, you’ve probably noticed the trend: every celebrity and influencer appears to be chasing the same prize. We’re deep in the era of the celebrity beverage. Kim Kardashian has Update energy drinks. John and Hank Green have the Awesome Coffee Club. Blake Lively sells sparkling grapefruit juice. Even Danny DeVito, somehow perfectly cast for the role, is the face of a limoncello. Why are beverages so endorsable? Maybe we’re not willing to trust Hulk Hogan with our dinner plans, but for a quick boost during a long workday? Sure – why not slam a can of Hogan Energy. Drinks tend to be profitable, relatively low-risk, and especially ripe for celebrity endorsements. So it’s become one of the easiest, most popular markets for influencers and celebrities to dip into. Now, another mega-celeb has entered the beverage game. Or rather, beverage companies have enlisted him in an effort to spread the good word about their product. Jesus, it turns out, has a branding problem – at least according to the makers of these drinks. Too many people simply haven’t heard the message. “God put it on our hearts to specifically preach the gospel through an energy drink,” the creator of Yahweh says in an Instagram video defending the company against accusations that it exists mainly to turn a profit. View image in fullscreen A can of Drink Yahweh’s Berry Blessed. Photograph: Yahweh It is notable that while Christ has apparently been putting energy drinks on people’s hearts lately, he has not been putting it on many of their hearts to donate part of the proceeds to feeding the poor. Apparently, the main mission here is brand awareness. Unfortunately, after trying the energy drinks brand Yahweh, I don’t feel especially compelled to convert. If the goal is evangelism, Blessed Berry, with its heavy, medicinal notes, may not be the strongest missionary. In fact, the aftertaste lingered with some insistence, like Jehovah witnesses evangelizing at your door even after you told them you were agnostic. If you want a better-tasting first Christian energy drink, I recommend Preachin’ Peach from Agape. View image in fullscreen Agape’s Preachin’ Peach flavor. Photograph: Agape Energy The depiction of Jesus is less thirsty, but the peach flavoring is right on target: it tastes almost exactly like a peach lollipop. Not quite as aggressively peachy as a peach Nehi, but fans of that drink would probably enjoy this. Or, you know, fans of Christ dying for our sins. Yahweh has zero calories, while Agape clocks in at 10, and, somehow, those 10 calories seem to matter. Not all Agape flavors are quite as divine as Preachin’ Peach, however. “It’s really good. Berry isn’t my favorite flavor, right, so probably not the best one to start off with, but it’s kind of like the Welch’s Grape but like less heavy,” one Instagram reviewer said of Agape’s Blessed Berry flavor. In later videos, however, he can be seen drinking Monster. Each case of Agape comes with a single sleeve cardboard gift box designed to use the can directly for evangelism. Whether that’s evangelism for Christ or evangelism for Agape, you get to decide. Agape costs $40 for a 20-pack, so one can is roughly $3.30 for a 12oz energy drink. That evangelism tax is a little pricey. The real standout in flavor, if not in branding, is 4gvn (as in forgiven, what Jesus does with our sins filtered through tech bro speak). View image in fullscreen Crisp Apple from 4gvn. Photograph: 4gvn There’s no depiction of Jesus on the can, but the flavor Gospel Gummy tastes exactly like a gummy worm. I don’t know how they did that with only the 10 loadbearing calories needed. If you told me Jesus turned water into a gummy worm-flavored energy drink, I would have to believe you. 4gvn is hardly alone in the Christian energy drink ecosystem. There’s Praise Energy, whose mascot, Zion the Lion, is a cartoon lion sporting an “I ♡ Jesus” T-shirt and high-top sneakers. Then there’s Heir Lion, whose mascot feels like it should be a cartoon lion in an “I ♡ Jesus” T-shirt and high-top sneakers – but, confusingly, is not. Are these brands helping raise awareness for Christianity, or are they just treating Jesus like an uncopyrighted Mickey Mouse? After all, he already enjoys near-universal brand recognition. So perhaps the real question is not whether these drinks are good for Christianity, but whether Christianity is very good for energy drink sales.